Confidante
by mushroomfaeries
Summary: Olivia Benson's side of the story "Impossibilities." Olivia has spent her life as a confidante- someone in whom others can trust, no matter what. It was only a matter of time before she got a little too emotionally invested in one of the secrets she was keeping.
1. The Talk

**A/N:** _Hi, everybody! This story could easily be read on its own, but I recommend reading it in conjunction with another story I'm writing, Impossibilities. Impossibilities is told from Casey Novak's point of view; Confidante is Olivia Benson's side of the story. Hopefully this will help develop the story more, rather than causing any confusion!_

**Disclaimer:** _I do not own Law and Order: SVU or any of its characters, nor do I claim to. I am making no profit off of this story; it is simply written for my entertainment and that of other SVU fans._

* * *

The relationship between Olivia Benson and her friend and colleague, Casey, had always been a bit unstable, to say the least. Nobody had really questioned it: Casey was, after all, replacing Olivia's colleague- _no, friend. No, best friend. No,_ Olivia thought with a mental sigh of defeat, _love interest._ Everybody had suspected a relationship between the two women- hell, suspects in interrogation had even questioned the alleged platonic nature of the co-workers. For all intents and purposes, that's all they were- friends and colleagues- but Olivia's feelings for the blonde had never been much of a secret. Alexandra Cabot, unfortunately, was a good Catholic, as straight as they come.

Doing the best she could to clear her mind of all thoughts of Alex- _come on, Liv, you're supposed to have moved past this_- Olivia joined the debate Elliot and Fin were having over their latest case: a two-sided rape accusation, in which a fifteen year old accused his teacher of rape, and she accused him right back. The men ranted about how "messed up" it was that a teacher would sleep with her student; Olivia, who had been arguing on the teacher's behalf, suddenly became awfully aware of Casey's absence. Throwing a few dollars down on the bar to cover her tab, the brunette dashed out of the building to seek out her friend.

"Casey. Casey!" she called, unable to hide the concern in her voice. Olivia was constantly on edge around Casey these days; she couldn't stop worrying about the attorney ever since finding out about one abusive gentleman by the name of Charlie. "Casey!" she repeated, louder this time.

"What, Liv?" snapped the young woman, "I'm kind of trying to get home."

"Come talk to me. Please," begged Olivia. Casey softened visibly at the tone of Olivia's voice; the detective couldn't help but smile a little as her companion took her arm. "Why is this hitting you so hard?"

The typically private redhead began to speak, and Olivia allowed a small burst of hope to invade the back of her head. _She trusts me_, she mused, and let her thoughts fall silent as Casey began to speak.

"I was sixteen, and a sophomore. I fell head over heels for my English teacher, who was twenty three at the time. I knew it was wrong. I really did understand that. But… god, what a beautiful human being. I got straight A's in that class; I hung on her every word." Casey paused for a moment, and Olivia did everything she could to mask her wide eyes and raised eyebrows in response to the use of feminine pronouns. _Casey's… not straight… hm_. "She helped me get into her class for the next year, a class only available to seniors. When I returned to school the next fall, it turned out that she'd been relocated to a school forty minutes away. We kept in touch, first by email, and then we exchanged phone numbers. She asked me out for coffee, and… one thing led to another, and suddenly I'm lost in this woman's arms, tangled up in her sheets, not knowing exactly what to do next. We… we snuck around together for a year and a half, until we started talking about our future. She had this overwhelming guilt that she was taking something from me, my youth or something. No matter what I did or said, she felt guilty for loving me… So we had to break up. God, Liv, it was the best year and a half of my life. I just think that sometimes, these things are more complicated than we make them out to be. Maybe she was seven years older than I was. But she loved me, Liv, and I loved her."

A million thoughts swam through Olivia's mind, the least of her worries now her confusion over Casey's sexuality. First and foremost was the concern that Casey had been taken advantage of. The elder woman's overprotective nature kicked in as she considered a million different reasons why the relationship between Casey and her teacher never should have taken place, never once considering that perhaps the two really had been in love. Olivia had seen far too many victims of sexually abusive teachers to let that thought into her head- not when dealing with Casey. Not when dealing with someone she cared for so deeply.

"I'm sorry, Liv. You didn't need to know all of that."

"No, I didn't," Olivia agreed, hesitant to tell Casey what she really thought but ultimately deciding that it needed to be said. "But I'm glad you told me. Case, she took advantage of her authority over you. You admired her, and she exploited that-"

"Liv, NO. It wasn't like that. It wasn't like that at all. Forget it. I shouldn't have told you."

Olivia Benson could do nothing but watch in stunned silence, tainted by a hint of regret, as her friend stood up, wobbled on her unsteady feet, and marched away.


	2. The Aftermath

**A/N**: If you're also reading _Impossibilities, _this story probably seems pretty boring so far. Olivia really gets to tell her own side of the story after another chapter or two; I promise, it will get more interesting! Thank you for reading :)

**Disclaimer**:_ I do not own Law and Order: SVU or any of its characters, nor do I claim to. I am making no profit off of this story; it is simply written for my entertainment and that of other SVU fans._

* * *

Olivia Benson could not sleep. She had a sinking feeling that she should be feeling guilty, but try as she might, she couldn't regret what she said to Casey. She knew, deep within her, that her accusation had hurt the other woman; still, it was impossible to shake the protective urge driving it. Casey had always seemed so… fragile to Olivia, so breakable. No matter how many times Olivia watched Casey standing up strong and brave in court, she would always remember watching Casey's shaking shoulders as the woman sobbed, having just told the long and brutal story of her ex-fiancé. No matter how many times Olivia watched Casey sitting in on an interrogation, jumping in to figuratively kick a suspect's ass, she would never forget the tears in Casey's eyes after the redhead had been attacked three years earlier, when the team had been working on the Duvall case. The fair-skinned, bright eyed young woman just seemed so damn young, so damn innocent, no matter what awful things the two saw every day.

Pouring herself yet another cup of coffee, Olivia glanced at the neon numbers on the oven. It was nearly 5am, and she hadn't slept a wink. The time had come, finally, for Olivia to take herself out of her own head and throw herself into a case.

To the very best of her ability, Olivia avoided Casey all day. She sent Elliot to get warrants from the ADA, had Fin cover her usual take-out run with Casey, and always made sure she was the one covering interrogations, rather than watching behind the glass side-by-side with Cragen and Novak. She got some strange looks as she asked others to do everything, but nobody said a word- until Dr. Huang came in and ruined Olivia's calm, collected facade. He pulled Olivia aside after a particularly rough interrogation, one in which a woman had been defending herself for killing her child- "I thought I could handle raising… his kid, but every time I looked at that… thing, I couldn't stop thinking of what that bastard did to me," was a statement that felt like an iron fist in Olivia's gut, making her particularly vulnerable and just about ready to spill anything to the good Doctor.

"Olivia, what's going on with you?"

Olivia avoided eye contact, despite knowing that the action would give away her lies in a heartbeat. "I don't know what you're talking about," she muttered.

"Yes, you do. Liv, you know I like to let you keep your business to yourself, but it's affecting you pretty badly. I know something must be really bothering you. What's up?"

Sighing, Olivia tried to think of what it was about the situation that bothered her most. "Casey's gay."

George Huang nodded. "I know. So?"

"I don't know. That's not really what was bothering me. Am I a bad friend?"

"Because you didn't know Casey was gay? No. That's up to her to tell people when she's comfortable. Just because she hadn't told you yet, doesn't mean you're a bad friend."

"No- well, yes- but also because… I worry about her. I think it bothers her."

"Olivia, it bothers her because she wants to prove to you that she can take care of herself, and you're not letting her. Why do you think you're so protective of Casey, anyway? Don't you think it goes a little beyond the call of duty?"

"She's my friend, Huang. I care about my friends." Defensive, Olivia spun on her heel and walked out of the room, head held high. She was not going to let Huang psychoanalyze her feelings for Casey- not that there are any, besides platonic, of course.

From that moment on, Olivia vowed that she would never speak to anyone about Casey unless specific questions were asked. She wasn't sure why Huang's insinuation bothered her so much-_ or was it not an insinuation at all? Funny how you so easily believe he sees something in your attitude towards Case- towards Novak. Guilty conscience, perhaps?_ "Shut up," Olivia muttered to herself.

That night, when the team went out for drinks, Olivia managed the luck of sharing a cab with the exact person she'd been trying to avoid. It was silent. Then she spoke.

"I'm sorry for yesterday, Olivia."

"What do you mean?" Olivia responded. As far as she'd been concerned, Casey had done nothing wrong; Casey, in fact, was the one who had the right to be upset.

"I'm sorry I snapped at you yesterday. When we were talking about… you know. I know you were just trying to look out for me. I just get really defensive, because she was… she meant a lot to me."

Olivia bit her lip, relieved that Casey understood her actions. "I just worry about you, Case. I worry a lot," she explained, taking Casey's hand in her own and squeezing it gently, trying to reassure her friend- _yes, friend_- that all was well between the two of them.


	3. The Story

**A/N**: _Let me know what you think so far? I don't want to beg for reviews because I know a lot of times there's not much to say, but I don't know if this story is going anywhere and some feedback would really, really help. Should I continue with it, or keep the story limited to Impossibilities?_

**Disclaimer**: _I do not own Law and Order: SVU or any of its characters, nor do I claim to. I am making no profit off of this story; it is simply written for my entertainment and that of other SVU fans._

* * *

Olivia lay in bed, staring into the red-rimmed eyes of a ridiculously intoxicated Casey. While everyone else had only had a beer or two, Casey downed shot after shot of vodka, getting herself drunk to the point of forgetting who and where she was. Olivia was immensely worried about the redhead and couldn't very well let her go home in that state, so she and the other woman went home together, with Olivia planning on taking the couch like a good host.

"Well, you stay in here and rest. If you need to puke, the bathroom's down the hall. I'm going to sleep on the couch."

"Livvy Livvy Livvy Lou, stay with meeee," sang Casey before bursting into a fit of giggles. "I love love love you, Livvy. You're my best friend ever." Olivia didn't have much of a choice in the matter; Casey had latched on to Olivia's arm and didn't seem to want to let go. She lay down beside the giggling redhead.

"Livvy, I'm going to tell you a story. Because I know you still think Elizabeth took advantage of me. She was perfect, Olivia, perfect. She had the prettiest brown eyes, kind of like yours but kind of not, and she loved Shakespeare with a passion. A passion. Almost as much as she loved me, hehe. Almost. And before we were together, we went out for coffee, and there was mistletoe, and we were just friends then, and I kissed that woman so hard. I put every ounce of love I had into that kiss, and she took a second, but she kissed me back, and I swear to God I saw fireworks. Fireworks, Olivia! And that's how I knew. That's how I knew she loved me back. I love love loved her, Olivia, and if you think she exploited that, you can get fucked. Hehe… get fucked… like I did. Like I did when I was with her. Hehe. Haha! Hahahaha! I like to think she still has my virginity… in a locket somewhere. A pretty pretty locket, pretty like her eyes that looked kind of like yours… you have pretty eyes, Olivia… pretty Olivia…" Without another word, Casey drifted into unconsciousness, leaving Olivia confused, surprised, a bit flattered, and ever-so-slightly jealous.

Shaking her head, Olivia untangled herself from the limbs Casey had sprawled out against the brunette and ventured into the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of beer from the refrigerator and sitting down on the couch with a sigh. "Not again," she muttered, recalling the promise she'd made herself when she'd thought she'd lost Alex forever- _never again will I get so attached to someone I work with. Never again will I fall for someone unattainable. Never. Again_. And here she was, yet again, falling for the goddamned ADA.

Olivia shook the thoughts from her head, wandering into her kitchen in search of something stronger. Discovering a bottle of rum in one of her seldom-opened cabinets, she settled in on the couch with a blanket and drank, promising herself that every swig would be her last- only to pick it up again when another thought about Casey entered her head. It was half an attempt to escape her feelings and half a punishment for them- the detective had seen enough alcoholic horror stories to know enough to never touch her second beer, and the distressed voice in the back of her head telling her to put down the bottle gave her something to think about besides Casey, and also gave her something to justify the shame she felt.

She must have passed out at some point, because Olivia suddenly woke up with a throbbing headache. Hazed from the hangover, Olivia managed to trick herself into thinking that going to check on Casey wouldn't stir up any unwanted feelings. Besides, the other woman had been ridiculously wasted the night before and probably had a hangover far more intense than Olivia's.

She ventured into the bedroom holding a cold compress and a cup of water. Olivia lay the compress gently on Casey's head, hand lingering for just a moment too long, and contented herself to watch the woman sleep. She felt somehow better about the whole situation, sitting there, watching Casey's chest rise and fall with peace. Somehow it felt less scary. Somehow less… impossible. Casey stirred, beginning to wake up. Olivia watched, mesmerized, as Casey rubbed her mossy eyes and blinked over and over, adjusting to her surroundings. As she realized where she was and who she was with, Casey sat straight up, looking horrified, and began sputtering and stuttering, "Liv? Liv, oh my god, I am so sorry. We didn't- we didn't-"

"No, Casey," Olivia responded, suppressing the twinge of rejection she felt when she saw the relief in Casey's eyes, "I took you home from the bar because you were drunker than I've ever seen you."

"Did I say anything? Please say I didn't make a complete ass of myself."

"You told me about Elizabeth, mostly," Olivia said, hoping Casey wouldn't catch the melancholic note in her voice. What she needed, Olivia decided, was closure- she needed the full story about Casey's love life so she could end this pathetic jealousy and move along. "Lay back, Case. You must be hungover. Besides, I think we have some talking to do. I've found out… quite a lot about you in the last two days, and friends don't keep secrets like this. Start talking, Case. Start wherever you want."

Casey, hesitant, began her tale slowly: "The last time I drank that much, it was my parents' twenty-second anniversary party. They invited the whole neighborhood, plus our entire extended family. I was thirteen, and I stole a bottle of champagne from the fridge and hid under a table to drink it- all of it. It was the only way I could get through the party- not that it was really that bad, honestly, but I had a rebellious streak and I was under a lot of emotional distress from my… my… struggles… with my sexuality, and I couldn't take listening to everyone tell me what a nice wife I'd make someday. So after I was completely wasted, I out from under the table, stood up on a chair, and came out to the entire party. In my head, I had this whole speech about bisexuality and choices and how okay it was, but none of that would come out. I just stood there, blinking for a minute, before shouting, 'I'm a fucking dyke!'

"My parents grounded me for six months after that, and I wasn't allowed to see any of my friends. I didn't really have any friends anymore, anyway. Things were kind of shitty from then until I was fifteen, when I met Elizabeth. I would stay after school for extra credit work, I would work with her on all of my essays, even ones for other classes. I took the long way to all of my classes just so I could pass her room. And I told her I wasn't… you know, straight. And she just hugged me and told me it would be okay, that she was there for me. And she was, Liv. She really was.

"She was my first love. I was devastated when we broke up, but I understood. I didn't really move on, though, not until college. Then I met Charlie. When he was medicated and going to therapy, he was such a wonderful guy. But then there were times when his meds wouldn't be working right, or he'd go off them for a while, or he'd stay medicated but stop going to therapy. And he would get possessive. He didn't let me go anywhere; I almost failed a semester because he was scared I'd fall in love with another one of my teachers. And then it would get physical. And then sexual- actually, it would usually get sexual while he was hitting me. And one day, I just broke. I couldn't take it anymore. I made Charlie leave, and I never saw him after that. He wrote me forty six letters, though- I never had the guts to read any of them, but they're in a drawer at my apartment. And that… is basically the story of my romantic life."

The two sat in silence for a few moments before Casey, smirking, added, "So what about you, Olivia? Hasn't Detective Benson ever taken a walk on the sapphic side?"

It took a moment for the words to leave Olivia's mouth- not because she was considering what to say, so much as because she was in shock that she was considering saying anything at all. After a few moments' struggle, though, the words broke through the barrier and slapped Casey in the face: "Alexandra Cabot."

Olivia froze. So did Casey- for a few moments, anyway. Then the redhead's cheeks flushed and she bolted from the apartment, leaving Olivia dazed and confused.


	4. The Second Talk

A/N: ! It should start getting less boring now!

Disclaimer: I do not own Law and Order: SVU or any of its characters, nor do I claim to. I am making no profit off of this story; it is simply written for my entertainment and that of other SVU fans.

After Casey had rushed out of Olivia's apartment, the two were back to that which was becoming a disturbing pattern: avoiding one another at all costs. They danced their dance around the precinct; though a day would seldom pass without the two making awkward eye contact, they managed to ensure that they were never alone together. Olivia wasn't even sure why she was avoiding Casey, apart from the fact that she didn't want to make the redhead uncomfortable, and felt in a strange way that her presence would destroy everything. They managed not to say more than the bare minimum to one another… until Wednesday evening, around seven, when Olivia sat at her desk doing paperwork and felt her phone vibrate against her hip.

"Benson," she answered. She was met by a voice raspy and ragged, the kind that made chills run down the back of her neck, vibrating the marrow in every bone in her body.

"Olivia, we need to talk. Can we meet up somewhere?"

"I-I've got a lot of paperwork to do, Case, I don't know…"

"Please? I can't take avoiding each other like this. Meet me at that little Italian restaurant you like at eight. Please, Liv?"

Olivia melted just a bit at the use of her nickname; it signified that Casey wasn't, in fact, angry. "Alright. I'll see you there."

After hanging up the phone, Olivia paused for a moment- then rushed home to get ready. Many things could be said about Detective Olivia Benson: she was emotional, easily attached, perhaps too easily, yet somehow also a bit distant. She was strong willed and stubborn to a fault. But it would never be said that Olivia would show up to dinner with a pretty woman dressed like she'd just come from work, even if she had just come from work.

An hour later, Olivia Benson sauntered into the restaurant, adjusting the halter straps of her dress and tucking a stray curl behind her hear. Stalling, she asked the hostess how she was; an unnatural bout of nerves had taken hold of Olivia's hands and made them shake softly. She took a deep breath; it was time.

After quietly approaching the table, Olivia got Casey's attention, softly announcing her presence: "Hey, Novak."

"Benson."

Unsure of what, exactly, to say, and feeling like she was walking on eggshells, Olivia sat down and softly inquired, "What did you need to talk about so badly? You sounded… distressed on the phone."

The redhead looked like a deer in headlights, her peridot eyes wide and slightly teary. "I like you."

Oh god. No she didn't. She couldn't. That would complicate everything. _Fuck, Case, why are you doing this to me?_ Okay, it's okay. Just play dumb.

"Yeah, Case, I think we established that. I like you, too. You're a great friend and a damn fantastic ADA. So?"

"No, Liv," sighed Casey, "I mean I really like you. Like I really, really like you, in the way that means I want to see you every morning when I wake up. I want to know when you started drinking coffee and why you take it black because isn't that awfully bitter? I want to know every scar on your body and how you got them, and if you ever needed stitches for any of them, and if you needed stitches but didn't get them because you were just a kid and you were scared of hospitals or something. I want to know if you have a favorite day of the week and a favorite flower and a favorite lyric from your favorite song. I want to know what you look like when you've just woken up after sleeping for thirteen hours because god, Liv, you need to sleep for thirteen hours sometime, you work so much and it scares me because when the hell do you sleep? I want to know if you play an instrument and if you want to learn, I want to teach you to play the piano, and I want to play you all the prettiest songs because I think maybe you're made of all the prettiest songs and prettiest things and I like you, Liv, I really fucking like you."

_No, she doesn't. She's lying to you. She's heard rumors about how you felt for Alex and she's exploiting that, making some big, elaborate joke that everyone is probably in on. They all just want to see how stupid you can get, to think it could ever work out. And besides… even if she did mean it, that would fuck everything up. You promised you'd never do this again, Olivia, you promised. You promised you wouldn't put yourself through this, or put anyone else through this. You fucking promised, so explain to her that it can't happen. And don't let her know how you feel for her, or you'll fuck it all up again. Just pretend you don't feel it. Pretend it's not there. Don't think of it as lying, think of it as… acting. Just acting._

"Casey... I'm so sorry if I led you on in any way. I really care about you, I truly do, but in terms of anything… more happening, I think you and I both know that it can't happen. It's just… an impossibility."


End file.
